The Waiting Game
Trying to keep a bitter seed from sprouting is a very hard thing to do. I have been very honest about our struggles with infertility and my struggles with anxiety. I feel very strongly that those two things can be instigators of bitterness. Waiting is another hard bitterness inducing thing. Waiting and being patient have to be hand-in-hand. Webster defines patience as "the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset." I understand that "Patience is A Virtue", "All Good Things Come to Those Who Wait", and "The Lord's Timing is Best" are all true. We hear that advice all the time. But you really don't know the gravity of the word "patience", until you have lived in a situation that made you wait. And keeping the seedling of bitterness at bay is difficult.
I mentioned in my last blog that we had our first scheduled trip to Tennessee on the calendar. We kept the date private because we had hoped to be accepted for the actual embryo transfer very quickly and wanted to surprise our friends and family. Well, the trip has come and gone, and our plans have been changed, slightly.
Many of you continuously ask about our progress, so this blog will be an information download. Some of it may not make sense. Some of it may be TMI. Some of it may leave your brain frazzled. I'll do my best to encapsulate the whole experience.
We headed to Knoxville, TN on April 19 after Bryan got off of work. I took Leah to my Mom earlier that morning. We were excited but anxious to have this appointment.
After about 5 hours on the road, we arrived in Knoxville. Fortunately, for us, we have family that live in Knoxville. We were able to stay with my great aunt and uncle. We are so thankful that they offered their extra bedroom for us to sleep. It was also very nice to catch up with them.
We went to bed at a reasonable hour. I actually slept quite well. Maybe it was from pure exhaustion or just a really comfortable bed. The wooshing of a box fan always lulls me to sleep, too. I'm glad I grabbed that think before we left!
After a restful sleep, we woke early. The appointment was at 9 am. Uncle Spec and Aunt Janet were gracious enough to cook us breakfast. Bryan LOVES breakfast and it was nice to have something other than fast food or cereal for a change. So, we ate, packed our bags, and headed to the NEDC. We arrived a few minutes early. I settled some paperwork and we sat in the waiting room. My orders for this visit, besides medication and paperwork, was to come with a full bladder. I worried that I didn't drink enough (2 glasses of water and a cup of coffee), so I got two more cups of water from the fountain while we waited. Needless to say my eyeballs were swimming.
About 5 minutes passed and the nurse came and took us back to a room. It was a typical Ob/Gyn exam room, complete with flat table/chair that had fuzzy socks on the stirrups, and an egg and sperm hanging conveniently over the exam chair. The nurse came in and asked a ton of medical background and family history questions. She left and I started pacing the floor. Mainly because I had to pee so badly that I couldn't sit still. Bryan and I chatted about my nervousness and my need to pee. The doctor finally came in and took us to his office. He and another doctor asked us more background questions and filled us in on the general process of embryo adoption.
After that, we were instructed to go back to the exam room and prep for the mock transfer. The purpose for this visit and this procedure was to check the lining of my uterus to make sure it was thick enough for an embryo to implant, check the cervix to ensure it was healthy, and to check my uterus for polyps or any obstructions that would hinder the implantation.
Basically, it was supposed to be somewhat like a pap-smear exam. The key word was "supposed". Apparently my inside anatomy (my cervix and uterus) are very high up. This created difficulty for the doctor to access and insert the catheter. The purpose for the full bladder is to move the bowels so the uterus and ovaries can be seen via ultrasound. Well, they couldn't access my uterus. They doctor apologetically asked me to empty my bladder for 10 seconds. Do you know how hard it is to pee just a little bit when you have a FULL bladder? Well, its very difficult, but I managed to do it.
I ended up going back and forth to the bathroom three more times because he still couldn't' access my uterus with the catheter. Finally I was able to completely empty my bladder and he was able to get the catheter in. It was not without pain, either. In the middle of jumping on and off the table, I was being pushed on and prodded to manipulate my crazy innards. I was crying from pain, squeezing my husbands hand, and yelling after each attempt.
During the whole debacle my mind went to a depressing place. "What if this is the end?" "Why is my body fighting me, again?" "I'm ready to give up." "We will never have another baby." All these things were going through my head.
After an hour and a half, we were finally done. Mind you, the procedure should have taken thirty minutes. I was frustrated and hurting, the doctor was frustrated, and I just wanted to go home and get in bed.
The nurse took us to another room with comfortable chairs. We sat. For the next hour or so, we talked with the doctor, the office manager, the embryologist, the IFV nurse, and the financial adviser, each individually.
The doctor informed us that, once he was able to access my uterus and cervix that everything looked fine. But in order to achieve the greatest chance to implant an embryo successfully, that I needed to lose twenty more pounds. Not the news I was hoping for. So we are not medically cleared for the embryo transfer.
After the chat with the doctor, with each person that came in, we got a stack of papers. I can't even begin to tell you all of the information we received. We finished the interviews and checked out. We were able to pay the first installment for the adoption, with two remaining.
We left the office with somewhat of a good visit behind us. We met Aunt Janet and Uncle Spec for Chinese food and headed home at a leisurely pace.
Now that the initial visit is completed, we have some very important decisions to make.
We have to choose our embryos, we have to choose our transfer date, we have to raise more money, I have to lose twenty pounds, and I have many medications to take in the mean time. I am completely overwhelmed. The next transfer cycle that we would qualify for is in September. That gives us about 4-5 months to complete all of this stuff. But we strongly believe that the Lord has given us this road block for a reason. We may not know the reason yet, but we will wait on Him.
So, will you join us in prayer? Pray that I am able to lose the 20 pounds, pray that we are able to raise another $2000 for the medical fees, and pray that the seeds of bitterness are suppressed and that we have patience to wait on the Lord.
We love you all and are so appreciative of your support and prayers. My prayer is that by sharing our story that it will give someone hope, so If you will, share this post.
We will be having a few more fundraisers in the next few months, so please stay tuned for those details. If you have any ideas or would like to help with a fundraiser, please don't hesitate to contact me. I'm available by text, phone, Facebook, or email.