I Just Can't Take it Anymore.
I think Thomas Jefferson said it well.
"If you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on."
Well, ya'll, my knot is tied and I'm hanging on for dear life. We started this journey 7 months ago. July 19, 2015. I'll never forget that date, mainly because its my birthday, but also because it was a turning point in our lives. We tearfully, happily, and fearfully announced to the world that we were adopting. That was the first step, and the hardest for me. But I overcame my fears and let the Lord have His way.
As I look back at the past 7 months, I can remember the joy and excitement we had. I can remember people giving us things for our child. I can remember being so elated with the idea that I would be able to hold another baby, to love another child, to hear him or her crying and cooing, to see Leah be a big sister, to watch my husband hold another child that was ours to keep, forever.
The process began slowly. But then it seemed to freight train into an oblivion of paperwork. We've been in that stage for about 5 months. Constant forms, signatures, and notary stamps. And then there's the doctor visits, lab work, and x-rays all which were accompanied with more paperwork. The sea of white
8 1/2x11 paper consumes my desk to the point of frustration. Especially when I'm looking for something and can't find it. Which, by the way, is my biggest pet peeve.
We got some news that was less than desirable a few weeks ago. We had planned on using the funds we have raised through yard sales, photo shoots, and donations for the initial part of the adoption. Then we anticipated using an adoption refund program that Bryan's employer offers. That program along with grants and the adoption tax credit would cover the entire adoption plus some. But, unfortunately, according to the laws of Tennessee, our adoption wouldn't be recognized as an actual adoption. You see, the state recognizes embryo donation as a transfer of property, so it falls under a property law instead of adoption law. The refund program will not refund anything, the grants will not accept any applications from us, and we are not eligible for the adoption tax credit.
In the midst of all of the paperwork and bad news, I began to loose sight of what the end result would be. I was consumed with deadlines and appointments. Bryan constantly and consistantly reminded me of those things. I could feel myself falling into a pit of dispair. I felt like the "What if it doesn't happen?" and "Why does it have to be this way?" monsters were creeping back into existance. Those fearful moments filled with anger and disgust were putting me back into a depression. That place was extremely familiar but I hadn't been there in quite some time.
After about a week of wallowing in the overwhelming pool of fear and having several anxiety attacks, I managed to pray myself out of the dark depressed state I was in and hand it over to God. So, we have been trying hard to rely on God during this time to guide us in the financial realm. We had a time line of approximately having the embryo transfer done in March. Now, we will just have to do things as we have the cash. We strongly believe that we need to keep this endeavor "debt free".
Since last week, the Lord has shown himself to us. After I emerged from my pit of depression and prayed that the Lord would help us, we got several phone calls. Those phone calls gave us hope. The Lord has begun to provide financially. A little cash here and a little side job there. Do you know what I call that? Answered prayer from a God that hears us!
Today I saw that light at the end of the tunnel that people are always referring to. I have four envelopes with stacks of paper in each one. Tomorrow they will be mailed to their prospective destinations. I know there will be more papers to sign, but this was a huge chunk of it. I look down and just like that my desk is clear again. Just like my head. Bryan often reminds me that we have such little faith in such a mighty God. I've never wanted for anything. I've always had food. I've always had a home. I've always had clothes. I've always had a family.
HE always provides. He ALWAYS provides. He always PROVIDES!
It may take us a little longer to get our baby. But I know that it will happen.
Tonight, as I sit here typing, my husband is putting Leah to bed. He will read her a book, play a game with her, and pray with her. I thank God for them, everyday. I pray everyday for the baby I have yet to hold. And whenever that moment does happen I'll thank HIM for it because HE brought us through.
But, for now, I think I'll put a swing on that rope and enjoy the view.
~Whitney