The First Chapter.....
I think a lot about Sarah. You know, Abraham's wife? I often read that passage in the bible. I wonder how she felt. I wonder if she cried? I wonder if she threw things? I wonder if she yelled at Abraham? I wonder if she got mad, really stinking mad? Probably not. Two things are very clear about Sarah, she had faith and she was submissive to her husband. I wish I had that kind of faith. That unshakeable, steadfast, gut wrenching, never doubting, straight forward kind of faith. After all, I think thats what it would take to have a child at the ripe age of 90. But in a moment of weakness, Sarah laughed. Was that her way of dealing with disappointment? Maybe. Nevertheless, God was true to his words. He gave Sarah and Abraham a son.
The beginning of my story, however, is somewhat different. When Bryan and I were dating we would often talk about our future plans. We would talk about our careers, where we would live, what our house would look like, where we would take our vacations, how many kids we would have, etc. We had it planned from A to Z. We were a wee bit nieve. I never really did have a desire to have children. I wanted to graduate from college, get a job, work, (maybe have 1 child), and live the rest of my life with Bryan by my side. Happy, right?
We decided to start trying for our 1 child quota shortly after we were married. After all, I had to get that out of the way, so I could get started with my career. Months and months went by with no positive results. I've always heard the cliche "You always want what you can't have". I never really applied that to having children because I thought it would just happen. But it didn't. After about a year, I went to the Ob/Gyn and he promptly diagnosed me with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). Actually, he just handed me a sticky-note with "PCOS" written on it and said "Here, Google this and you should get all the information you need. Have a nice day." "And by the way, you probably won't ever have children."
I don't remember my exact reaction. I know I was devistated. I immediately changed doctors and found another Ob/Gyn that gave me some sympathy and some options that might help. So, down the infertility road we went. Months and months and months of drugs, shots, pills, thermometers, schedules, and prayers. Nothing. Absolutely nothing happened. So, we decided to stop.
About three months after the last cycle of medication, I had to pee. I had to pee a lot. I remember thinking, "What is wrong with me? I've never had to pee so much in my life." I still had a routine of doing a monthly "check", to see if maybe I was miraculously pregnant. On a Sunday afternoon I checked. And I saw two pink lines. I ran into the living room and screamed at Bryan, "Uh, I think I'm pregnant." We cried, we screamed, we bought 10 more tests just to be sure. They were all positive.
Fast forward nine months and we have, Leah. She was born on April 23, 2009. Two weeks later I graduated from Valdosta State University with my BFA. I never wanted to work again. My heart was full.
After a very long and trying year that consisted of two layoffs for Bryan. We had to leave our home in Valdosta, GA. We had no money, no insurance, an infant, and a load of debt. What had we gotten ourselves into? God prevailed. I had to have that faith. Sarah's kind of faith. Bryan got a job in Columbus, GA. We packed up, sold our house, moved and started over. Within a year we were able to pay off our debts, buy a new house, get a new car, and we lived close to our family. Life was good.
Until we started trying for another baby. By this time, my heart had changed. I had a desire to have a house full of children. Knowing it was possible, I though the second time it would be easy. I thought wrong. We began the cycle of medications, shots, and schedules again. I was mad. I was hateful. I was angry. I was not a nice person to be around. Why had God let me down? I just wanted a baby! The side effects of the medication were partly to blame, but my spirit had gone sour. I tried to hold it in but that just made it worse. Little did I know that God was revealing a plan. A plan to grow my faith in ways I still can't understand.
In the midst of our personal chaos, Bryan was laid off again. Our church family and friends were SO supportive. A little over a month later, Bryan was employed again. So the cycle started again. I was worn out. Emotionally and physically tired. My PCOS symptoms had begun to show dramatically. (You can google that. ;/) I was done, again. We stopped for a while but started again. Its a vicious cycle. All the while I was mad. Inside. Just furious. I began to see Leah struggle as well. She often sees our friends and family with children and their siblings. She wants a compantion and a best friend. That is a hard thing for a mama to see. She doesn't understand the technical aspect, she just knows she's alone. My heart aches for her.
6 years have gone by. I love Leah. She amazes me with her laugh, her smile, her wit. She is smart. Smarter than the average bear. ! I look at her and just ask "Why, God, can't I have a house full just like her?"
Adoption had crossed my mind. I knew it was expensive. I knew it would take a long time. I knew it would be hard. I just wanted the easy way out. Bryan and I discussed it several times but I was clinging on to the hope of having another child. Then, one day, as I was praying, God said. "Have faith." I didn't want to listen. I did some research and my main point to Bryan was "Its just too expensive". Although I had all of this doubt, I agreed to counsel with our pastor about the issue. One thing he said really struck a chord with me. "If its in the will of God, he will provide the money." I had to put on my big girl pants and step out on faith. So, that's what were doing. Stepping out. I"m talking about "Sarah's Faith". That unshakeable, steadfast, gut wrenching, never doubting, straight forward kind of faith.
This blog will be an account of our journey. I hope you stick around for "The Next Chapter".
-Whitney